At the Convenience of Others

I've grown very tired of all the propaganda telling me how I'm every bit as human and valuable as a healthy counterpart in this society. How do they figure that is so? Granted there are always going to be examples of those who rose above their disability and still became wealthy and I know they find romance against all the odds. That's the thing about propaganda, it has it's greatest strength when it makes one person's unusual success seem as that which is easily achieved by anyone.



Over the last couple of weeks watching the coverage of Hurricane Katrina certain realities have just for the moment come to light. Not everyone has the means to flee a natural disaster, not the poor, not the disabled, not the elderly. Worse no-one noticed this until after the fact. Even once this truth was evident there were still those who seemed to blame the poor and disabled for not being prepared, some people just don't get it.

I cannot afford to live in the fairy tale that I am anyone's equal. I am not. I cannot keep up if a disaster hits, my survival clearly, depends on the kindness of those around me to help me along at the cost that they themselves are slowed down. Frankly on days I feel really badly, when I am more sick than disabled I often do not feel like putting out any effort to outrun a storm or an earthquake.

If I were superbly wealthy I could hire someone to give a damn, well, hopefully they would give a damn and not run and leave me to sit while the world caves in on me. Many of us are at the mercy of others. we are forced to maintain our lives at the pace others set for us. When we are quiet and out of view we are easily forgotten. I don't know what is more depressing, the state of poverty and poor health, or knowing that society has mostly forgotten you, and there is nothing you can do about it.



The last couple of weeks, while mostly sick in bed, I wondered how I could garner some control of my very existence. That's as far as it will get. I can think about it, for a while, and then it just becomes overwhelming and in order not to sink into depression abandon the demons it stirs up. I pick up the pencils and draw my worst fears, once out I can draw breath easily again, for now.